1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
-Psalm 16 (ESV)
After eight or so days of New Year optimism, today felt like the first real test. I woke up feeling restless, spent the day mulling over different anxieties, and I'm now on a couch wishing I was doing anything besides writing. It has not been an inspiring day. The weather was as bleak and dreary as you could ever imagine it. The expanse of the sky was entirely grey. Rain came and went, the damp air feeling foreign for this January day. Moments of disappointment littered today's birthday celebration for Reed, and I found myself growing more discouraged as the day went on.
Before today, I had been feeling uncharacteristically content. The year was starting off well, I'd been loving my mornings with Jesus, and I was fairly pleased with my growth process. Quickly, I began relying on my own ability to maintain these disciplines. Today has been humbling. I see my fickleness - my emotional ups and downs and my need for immediate gratification. I need the words of David's Psalm to draw me back to the presence of God. I need this prayer to guide me into deeper knowledge of joy.
I'm reading through the Psalms as I work to grow in prayer. When I came across this one this evening, I was so thankful for God's faithfulness. Even when I wanted to avoid the work of this discipline, he brought me back and did so with great encouragement. Tonight, I am saying I have no good apart from him. I can easily forget this, but he really is where I find the greatest joy. When I run after other things, other idols, I am left disappointed and empty. Yet here you are, assuring me of your sufficiency and your mercy. You do not abandon me. You are the Good Shepherd who leads me toward paths of life. You lead me into your presence, into the fullest joy available. I am thankful, and I am in need of your steadiness, Father God.
I had this idea that growing in prayer was going to be simple. I feel naive writing that out, but really, I didn't understand the work this would take. I've been asking God to make me a person of discipline, and it seems he is doing so. It feels especially hard today, but at the same time, he seems especially faithful.
Let me trust that you won't abandon me, even when the work of prayer gets hard. Teach me to take refuge and delight in only you. Grow my consistency and my capacity for discipline. Thank you for you notable presence in the midst of an uninspiring day.
Amen.