Dear Lord, give me a growing desire to pray. It remains so hard for me to give my time generously to you. I am still greedy for time - time to be useful, effective, successful, time to perform, excel, produce. But you, O Lord, ask nothing else than my simple presence, my humble recognition of my nakedness, my defenseless confession of my sins, so that you can let the rays of your love enter my heart and give me the deep knowledge that I can love because you have loved me first, that I can offer acceptance because you have accepted me first, and that I can do good because you have shown me your goodness first.
What holds me back? What makes me so hesitant and stingy, so careful and calculating? Do I still doubt that I need nothing besides you? Do I still want to build up some kind of reserve in case you might not come through? Please, Lord, help me to give up these immature games, and let me love you freely, boldly, courageously, and generously. Amen.
-Henri Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy
As I read and pray through these words today, I'm humbled by the way Nouwen's prayer echoes my own feelings. I need and want to grow in my desire to pray. My desires are so misdirected. They're ever-changing and hold little hope for fulfillment. As he notes here, I find myself holding tightly to my time, as if someone is going to steal it away when I'm not looking. I want it for myself - for my plans, my work, my desires. And sadly, my desires often don't include time to pray or be in God's presence. So, yes, I will pray with Nouwen for a "growing desire to pray". Today, I'm asking God for a new sort of filtering system in my heart. Weed out what is driven by selfishness and greed, and plant within me a sense of need and humility.
It's in that place of humility that we are able to truly be present with the Father. If we can put aside our own agenda, we can make room for his voice. When I think of it that way, I start getting pretty excited. To know deeply the love, acceptance, and goodness of our Creator and Savior - I know that's where true fulfillment rests. I want to be in that place, not just to bask in warm feelings of peace and love, but also to learn the ways of seeing God's people well. I often want his love and acceptance desperately, but when it comes to extending those gifts to others I find myself selectively choosing the recipients. That's not a reflection of God's character. And that's clearly a result of time outside of God's presence.
So, I'm asking myself questions similar to Nouwen's. What is holding me back? If I know that fulfillment comes from resting in God's presence, why am I stingy with my time and quick to analyze how I should spend it? Then I look to Nouwen's next question, and I just want to run from it. I don't want to sit with it because I'm pretty sure the answer is not one I'm ready to confront.
Are you enough, God? Do I believe that you're all I need?
I don't know.
That's my answer.
I think, yes, that is how I want to respond, but is that how I live? I don't quite know what to do with this question, God. I know where I want to be and where you would lead me if I asked you. But I'm also pretty scared. So grow my trust. Grow my desire to be with you in prayer, and get rid of the things that keep me from praying. Let me be led by you into new desires. All the while, let me learn to love you freely.
Amen.