“But how [to] eliminate this picky fish bone kind of way I
do things – I want so to love God all the way. At the same time I want all the
things that seem opposed to it – I want to be a fine writer. Any success
will tend to swell my head – unconsciously even. If I ever do get to be a fine
writer, it will not be because I am a fine writer but because God has given me
credit for a few of the things He kindly wrote for me.”
“Don’t ever let me think, dear God, that I was anything but
the instrument for your story.”
- Flannery O’Connor, A
Prayer Journal
A 20 year-old Flannery O’Connor wrote these words. She wrote
with sincerity and earnest desire to know God. And tonight, I feel as if these
words and their long-gone author have seen straight into my gut. If I could
organize my thoughts perfectly, they would read like O’Connor’s.
Reed gave me this prayer journal last Christmas. It was just
what I needed to read as a difficult year ended and I was turning hopeful to a
new one. Today, three days into this
new year, I need these words again. Today has been a painfully insecure one.
I’ve struggled to write all day, and as I searched my books and regular blogs
for inspiration, I only became more discouraged. I look up to so many
brilliant, accomplished writers, and today, I felt so far away from my desire
to write. Can I really do this? Could I really write? I don’t mean just a blog
for my mom and husband to read (which I appreciate, really). I mean, could I
really write for a living and for a career?
Today, the answer’s definitely been “no”. You can’t, Jess.
And to be honest, with insecurity and any false modesty aside, I have no idea
if I could write professionally. I continue to be drawn to words – to stories
and shared thoughts – but I have little idea of what it means to do this well.
Like O’Connor, I also wonder if writing is just my desire or
if it’s God’s. Will this, does this, glorify him? I read through this prayer
journal and realize how similar it looks to mine. I want to be in the center of
God’s will. I want to know him deeply and make each day about bringing his
Kingdom to earth. At the same time, I
want to communicate with his people and have relationship with them. I want to
write of his goodness and grace. I want to point people to him through words!
Can there be balance? Can I trust God with my writing and allow him to see
through whatever is truly good for me and for his Kingdom?
Yes, the obvious answer is yes. We’ve seen it done plenty of
times. I think I carry the same fear that O’Connor did, though. I fear my pride
will get in the way of God’s plan. And yet, I’m encouraged by O’Connor’s
thoughts about being his instrument. From this journal, I’ve learned that in
all things, writing included, we must recognize how small of a part we play. Anything
we gain, may it be gifts, success, or comfort, is truly a testament to God’s
grace.
I don’t know if writing will ever be more than this for me.
I hope it will take me to different places, but tonight, I’m trusting that this
is enough. When, and if, God wants to do more, I’ll be grateful to be a part of
that plan.