Last night, I couldn't fall asleep. I've been plagued with an ever-busy mind that often refuses to turn off, even when I say good night. There were lots of thoughts running through my brain - thoughts about writing, about students returning for the spring semester, and somewhere in there, weird thoughts about Amy Poehler's labor story I'd just read. I was restless and tired, but I couldn't point to what was holding me back from sleep.
I woke up today and, at first, forgot about the restlessness. I went through my morning routine and then headed to an extended staff meeting off campus. As we settled in for a few hours of discussion, our boss began to share what God had been teaching him. He talked about the Broadway musical, and now movie, Into The Woods. The characters all wished for various things or situations that they hoped would satisfy their deepest needs. In the end, even those that acquired what they'd hoped for were left unfulfilled. As he shared about misplaced desires and hopes, I started to feel this deep sense of understanding. That was the previous night's struggle. I was holding onto these wants and wishes so tightly, and I knew I was afraid to trust God with them. I was afraid of truly seeing what God's desires were - for me, the girls in the dorm, and for the future of my family.
We were challenged to ask God for what he'd want for us and our campus this next semester. I sat quietly, asking God to realign my longings and make me faithful to this time. I've been a little absorbed in thoughts of "what if" and "when that happens...". Today's time with our Student Development team not only helped me refocus, but it reminded me of the privilege it is to serve on a college campus. We get to live with students and see God's relational work happen. We get to be a part of his Kingdom work on earth! Gradually, little bits of excitement and hope filled the place that earlier held restlessness.
I ended the busy part of my day on the elliptical machine. I usually watch a TV show to distract me from the terrible chore of exercising, but tonight I felt like I needed something else. For thirty minutes, I listened to Audrey Assad sing of God's goodness, his Spirit's voice and freedom, and deliverance from all that holds us back from fullness in him. What a perfect way to end this day. When I listened to the song, I Shall Not Want, I was overwhelmed by how each line seemed to point me out.
From the love of my own comfort; from the fear of having nothing; from the life of worldly passions - deliver me, O God.
From the fear of serving others; from the fear of death or trial; from the fear of humility - deliver me, O God.
So, yes, deliver me, God. Deliver me from all that does not align with your Kingdom heart and mind, and let me know your goodness. Thank you for your desires - let me know them and want them, too.