“Good for her! Not for me. This is the motto women should
constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.”
-Amy Poehler, Yes
Please
A few months ago, a friend and I sat in cozy chairs and
watched her twin girls play on the floor. We drank hazelnut lattes, our
friendship’s drink of choice, and talked about the impenetrable pressures of
being a woman. It wasn’t quite that deep, though. It was selfish, discontent,
and judgmental. I was pointing my finger at women who I deemed critical of others
(ironic, huh) and noting how ridiculous the whole female race seemed. We are
adamant about what diapers our kids wear, if we breastfeed or not, what
birthing methods we choose, how long we wait to have kids, how supportive our
husbands are, how good the single life is, where we should put our next tattoo
and how silly tattoos seem when real issues like baby-led weaning are on the
table.
We are comparative, judgmental machines. It seems like we
get stuck in these self-destructive patterns of people pleasing and popularity.
Our decisions are too often made on the basis of what others will think. There
are so many varieties of women, yet we have it in our minds that there is
always a “right” way to do things. There’s a right way to live as a single woman
and a right way to be married and a right way to be a mom. We know this isn’t
actually the case, but why do we often lower or elevate ourselves according to
how others live? It seems like there must be a better way.
That day in the cozy chairs with my friend, she said
something that I haven’t been able to shake. As we were talking about other
women (a stupid habit - I know), she simply said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we
all just supported each other?” Yes,
I thought, it would be. So why don’t
we just support each other?
If we’re honest, supporting each other is difficult because
it’s less self-gratifying. Supporting other women means you rejoice when others
rejoice, even if it’s difficult for you. Even if all your friends are having
kids and you are not, you support them with love and celebration. If all your
friends are getting married or finding someone to share life with and you are
not, you share in their joy. If you are a mom and have different ideas about
parenting, you support your mom-friends by using Amy Poehler’s phrase – “Good
for her!” Support the women in your life by taking joy in what brings them joy.
At the same time, supporting each other means mourning
together. Sometimes this is easier than celebrating together. Most of the time,
though, this is uncomfortable and painful. When a friend loses a job, mourn
with her. It may seem less than your loss, but it is significant. In cases of
deep loss – like that of a child or family member – be the person you would
want loving you along the way. Be available and patient; be selfless and
gracious. And in all of these times of mourning, pray with each other. Point
one another to Jesus, the one who will always fill and comfort.
For those of us with strong opinions (yes, convicted over
here), we must seek first to support our women. Next to Jesus and husbands, the
females in our life are the best gifts available. They can be partners to laugh
and debate with. They are friends to call with big news and hard confessions.
They are the people you get to cry with. The women in our lives can be our
ultimate support systems. First, though, we must practice supporting them. We
must put aside our own need for approval and performance, and we must rest in
the Father’s promise of fulfillment. Then, we can live in the beautiful
give-and-receive, the good for her!, and
ultimately, the kind of relationships that reflect Jesus.