"As if my heart and soul are as inconsequential as a houseplant, I've gone days and weeks without filling up on living water and living Word. I nourish my life with good intentions and expect it to thrive when only Jesus can quench my soul-deep thirst."
-Amanda Bible Williams, She Reads Truth (Open Your Bible, Day 4)
It's been months of no-Bible life. I'm so hesitant to open it up and read Truth. I've admitted my lack of time in the Word to Reed, to my close friends, and even to my RAs. It's embarrassing - I am in ministry and I don't read my Bible. Not really. I've been in the habit of scrolling through my Bible app looking for a good, poignant verse or two. I listen in chapel and church, but my mind zones out when scripture is read.
So this has been my new bad habit. I gather good, Godly words from conversation or books or ministry classes. I journal and talk to God honestly about my aversion to His book. I just don't read the Bible. Sadly, I've justified myself for too long. I've told myself this is a season. And though that may be true, it holds me back. I've also convinced myself that I'm connecting with God in other intimate ways. Again, it's partially true, but it's serving as an excuse.
I'll say this. Honestly. I am scared to read my Bible.
I am anxious about what it really has to say.
This seems crazy to me. I've grown up knowing and loving scripture, holding it close like the sacred letter it is. I've been encouraged and challenged by God's Word; I've been excited about his work in this world. And now, I feel incredibly distant from the assurance his Truth used to bring.
I'm still sorting through thought and emotions, but I think I'm unsure of my ability to understand God's Word. I'm afraid my literal, sola scriptura reading of the Bible will conflict with the growing convictions within me. Because of all this fear and insecurity, I've simply avoided dealing with the Bible.
Until the last few days. Something is brewing, stirring, changing. There is new hope, and I'm not sure how it began. This is what I know: earlier this week I began reading a plan from She Reads Truth called Open Your Bible. It seemed fitting for the time, and I began reading in the mornings. Every day this week, God's Word has felt fresh. It's been convicting and challenging, but incredibly satisfying. There has been less hesitancy each day, and I think about God's Word beyond my morning reading times. This may sound like Christianity 101, but it has been monumental for me. Everything I've heard or read this week has pointed to the great importance of God's Word. So something really good is growing.
Two other vital pieces of hope are building. One has to do with a book I started this week, Jesus Feminist. This book is allowing me to sift through my questions regarding scripture and women, and it is pointing me directly towards Jesus. Another hopeful thought comes in the form of a class I'm taking next month. As I've been preparing for Interpreting the New Testament, it hit me how appropriately timed this class is. I'm wandering and questioning, and here in front of me is practical guidance for understanding God's Word.
There is so much to see and question and wait for. I'm excited about the little, hopeful excitement that is popping up, and I'm trusting that God will show me a way closer to him. I know that looking elsewhere for nourishment and sustenance is pointless. Like the woman at the well asking for living water, I, too, am seeking God's wholeness.