Note: I want to be consistent and challenged as a writer. So for the next 30 days, I will write everyday. For a few months now, I've been toying with the idea of writing a collection of stories that highlight women's influence and investment in others. There have been so many significant female voices in my life. From authors and mentors to teachers and family, I have benefited from the words and actions of several incredible women. Throughout the next 30 days, I will share about these women and what they've taught me.
A few things to note first though:
*I do not claim to agree with everything these individuals believe in or promote.
*I may quote sections from authors or speakers that include language or controversial topics (again, I may not agree with everything, but I do find value in discussing a variety of subjects and ideas).
*I do not know all of these women personally; what I've learned from many of them has come through their writing or speaking.
*Finally, I'm focusing on 30 women because I want to give credit to the beauty of sisterhood. It sounds cheesy, but there is significance in passing on knowledge and virtue from woman to woman. It unites us as people of God, women learning how to live fully with him. I could easily name 30 men who have influenced me, but as a female, I resonate differently with the lessons from women. This is not exclusive or man-bashing. It is simply highlighting the lessons I've learned from mothers, sisters, and mentors along the way.
Thanks.
-Jess
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“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the
enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and
it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think
perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully
enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The
truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even
looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a
lot more fun while they're doing it.”
“Perfection is shallow, unreal, and fatally uninteresting.”
As an 11 year-old, my room would not have screamed
perfectionist. I was messy, spontaneous, and we’ll say, charitably, creative.
If you had peeked into my mind, though, you’d have been startled by the
expectations and pressure that resided there. Much of my adult life has been
spent trying to find the source of my performance-driven, perfectionist habits.
My parents never pushed unreasonably and I wasn’t close enough in age to my
older siblings to need the competition. What I do know is that I was good at a
lot of things.
Starting at a young age, I jumped into every possible
activity or social opportunity available. I was a part of sports teams, choir,
band, musical productions, student government, science clubs, and leadership
programs. I loved it all, and I excelled in most
of it. Lugging my snare drum back and forth on the bus quickly lost its charm.
After moving from Indiana to Arkansas in the eighth grade, I
realized that all my security of clubs and teams was gone. I was a nervous new
kid, and I needed to find my place quickly. Sure enough, I found new ways to
achieve honors and recognition. I was a hard worker, and I was actually finding
out what I truly enjoyed, rather than what I could excel in. When high school came,
I was surprisingly confident in myself. Unfortunately, this confidence only led
to more performance.
In Arkansas, I discovered I was really good at two things:
school and communicating. Even as I write this I feel like a nerd. But really,
I loved academics, and I loved anything that allowed me to connect with other
people. These new passions manifested themselves in choir, the competitive
speech team, and honors classes. I gained so much from those years, and I can
actually look back at high school with warm, pleasant memories.
Again, though, the achievements and success that came in
high school built up a security wall for me. I knew who I was, who I wanted to
be. At least, I thought I did. I entered college with serious goals: do well in
school, don’t get distracted by frivolous people or things, and earn the
respect of everyone. These are strange and lofty for a college freshman, but I
stuck by them for that first year. I worked really hard, and I studied all the
time. I went to bed early, spent little time socializing, and further developed
my plan to become Dr. Jessica Smith, Ph.D., by the time I was 30. I wanted to
do well, to be seen as smart and determined. I had to achieve these things.
And then suddenly, I was a sophomore in college looking back
miserably to the last couple years. I’d sacrificed relationships for
acknowledgements. I’d sought out perfection and performance instead of people
and relationships. I wanted those good things - don’t get me wrong. But I just
saw these high, unreasonable expectations circling each other in my brain, and
I couldn’t break free.
Thankfully, slowly, I’m learning that perfect is neither
possible nor desirable. Grace vs. performance has been the theme of my life up
to this point. Seriously, it’s the lesson I come back to most often. It’s the
thing that God continues to bring forward and the challenge that consistently
draws me closer to the Father. It’s the topic I’ve written on most, the subject
that I’m drawn to in others’ writings, and the area I’m learning more about all
the time.
I’m drawn to Anne Lamott because she gets grace. She
understands the danger in striving for perfection when it will only leave you
disappointed and damaged. As I write more, I keep finding myself resorting back
to my habits of aiming for unreasonable standards. I’m often paralyzed by the
idea of failing or falling short. When I read Bird by Bird a few years ago, I immediately felt at home. This is
my kind of book – my kind of thinking. I’ve known and lived the oppression of
perfectionism. I also know that a life chained to performance is restrictive
and just plain boring. I want the richness of failure. I want the fullness of
grace. I want joy and fun and spontaneity. I want this freedom not only in my
life, but also in my writing.
I won’t make some blanket statement or declaration that I’m
done with perfectionism. If I’m honest, I’ll probably catch myself wrestling
with it as I look over this piece in the next few minutes. All I’ll say is that
I know the better way. I know that a perfect life is not one worth living. And
perfect writing or perfect stories are note worth reading. So, I’ll relax into
the idea of grace a little more today. Then maybe, a little more tomorrow.