What do you call a fast-paced, emotional, uncertain season of life? This is not a riddle - I'm really wondering if there's a name for this. The past couple months have been challenging. We, Reed and I, have experienced great joys and then heavy, heavy sadness shortly following. On top of this heaviness, my work has been busy and fun as the year wrapped up. I decided to move on to something new, so this past week ended my time at the Crossing. At this point, I'm pursuing a new job, but there are still no definite answers.
Today feels like the first day of the big question mark. We don't know what's next, but we are hopeful. As I sat down to talk with God and process this morning, I opened up an Anne Lamott book I've been reading. In Help, Thanks, Wow, Lamott focuses on the simplicity of three simple prayers. These are prayers of crying out in need, prayers of gratitude and prayers of praise and adoration. Kind of obvious from the title, but just in case.
I've prayed variations of these three prayers in the last few weeks. The majority of the prayers have probably sounded most like HELP! But as I read this morning, I felt challenged to make my conversations with God more than that. In a time of struggle and pain, confusion and anger, I have opportunity to see God's grace. And though I have seen it time and time again, I keep coming back to help. Help is not a bad way to pray, but there is so much more to communion with God. Just this week, I told my students I wanted to be someone who was characterized by gratitude and joy. After experiencing such an emotional roller coaster of months, I can say I want to be the person who is steadily rooted in hope - hope that only comes from God. So at this point, I feel like my prayers are growing, working. God, help me turn to gratitude and praise.
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Help.
My God, I know, more than ever, how much I need you. I need strength, patience with myself, trust in your better plans. God, help me to slow down the anxious thoughts, the conveyor-belt questions running through my mind. I have been angry and bitter. I've been deeply sad. I've been jealous. I need your help to recognize each of these feelings, and I need wisdom to respond in ways that please you. Help me to freak out less about the future. You know, of course you know, what's best. I need your help trusting that each day.
Help me love well, even in my need for love. Help me look to you first, rather than other distractions from communion with you. Help me take each day at a time. Help me to process all you've taught me so that I never forget what you've done. I need your love, your grace, your truth. Help me to draw near to you.
Amen.
Thanks.
"But grace can be the experience of a second wind, when even though what you want is clarity and resolution, what you get is stamina and poignancy and the strength to hang on." - Help, Thanks, Wow
God, thank you for being here with me now. Thank you for seeing me in even the dark, bitter places and not looking away. You desire sincerity, and I love your welcoming presence when I question your plans. You also desire growth, though. Thank you for drawing me to something good - something that looks like joy and hope.
Thank you for my time at the Crossing. In the past two years, I've seen you change people - the students, yes, but also me. You have communicated love and hope to people who knew neither. Thank you for letting me be a part of something you're doing. Thank you for allowing me to see fruit, even in small amounts. Thank you for all the times I felt out of my element and completely inadequate so that I could only cry out to you. I am so grateful for all that happened in these last two years.
And now, God, I will thank you for the future that looks foggy. Thank you for whatever you have in store. Thank you for bringing me to a place even just this morning where I can see that you are doing a good thing. I'm grateful for the grace you give. You have sustained me; you have given me just what I need. Thank you, dear Jesus.
Amen.
Wow.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Oh, God. Wow. What a crazy, long, strangely good few months it's been. As I sit here, in unexpected tears as I pray this prayer, I am amazed by who you are. You are the one who's carried me all along the way. You are the one who sees me and welcomes me, regardless of my desire to be with you.
Father God, you are patient and compassionate. Your love has allowed me to stay afloat. I have loved seeing each new morning you bring, and you have always been faithful. You have brought the Body around me to hold me up and encourage me. You gave me a husband who loves me beautifully and shows me more of who you are. I feel small next to you God - you are more than I deserve and sometimes more than I understand. You are who you say you are.
Wow, God. You've been challenging me and stretching me in ways I didn't want. Yet, you have given me so much more than I expected or asked for. I love you. I love your involvement in my life and your ability to take such good care of me. You are good, God. May I always remember what you've done in me.
Amen.