Sometimes it's hard to admit to failure. My writing project was something I really wanted to finish, and I have to confess that I did not complete the list of subjects to write on. The cool thing? I wrote more in the last three weeks than I have in a long time. And for that, I'm thankful.
While I'm at it, I need to confess a few other things. To start, I'm very anxious about getting back to work tomorrow. I'm not completely sure why, but I am nervous about my role as a teacher. There are times that I certainly feel inadequate in my job, but tonight feels different. Tonight, I feel incapable of offering myself to others. Even as I type these words, it sounds strange.
I'm heading back into school with a mixture of feelings. On one hand, this break was wonderful. I spent time with people I love. I wrote a lot, read good books and enjoyed time alone. I went to Indianapolis, Michigan and Canada, enjoying all of the different opportunities these places allowed me. I was very blessed with relationships and time over the past three weeks. And yet, I sit here tonight with an unsettled feeling in my gut.
Sometime last week, I wrestled with God as I laid down for the night. I had had a rough day, and by rough, I mean mentally disastrous. I was lost in my own selfishness, and I just wanted to be numb. As I laid down in bed and faced the God I couldn't ignore any longer, I was faced with one question. What, in this moment, would most please him?
I hated this question. I wanted to be comforted, babied, soothed. Instead, I was hit with a problem I've been trying to push down for a long time.
In Galatians, Paul says that if he were still trying to please men, he would not be serving God. I've been trying to please men, and specifically myself, for too long. I realize that when I focus on myself and my problems, I get stuck in the complaining mode I've described earlier. If I really want to serve and please God with my whole life, than what am I doing wasting time on getting my own way?
All this is running through my head as I prepare to walk back into routine tomorrow. I'm encouraged by God's question to me, but I'm also very aware of my need for his transforming grace. So, I'm nervous about asking him to change me in this way because I know it'll be difficult. It already has been. I don't know why, but I feel this urgency to be different with my students and other relationships that have been difficult. I want to stop making excuses for why I'm not praying more consistently for them or why I don't have time in my week for certain people. I want to please God and look at life with the purpose of pleasing him.
I'm still nervous about tomorrow. I'm nervous that I'll fail and that the next quarter will be rough. Right now, though, I'm asking God to change my anxiety into praise and allow him to be the one glorified. I confess I'm weak and especially insecure tonight. But I know God is sovereign and will draw me to himself so that he is revealed to others.