On this peaceful, quiet Sunday afternoon, I have so many thoughts running through my head. I love to read, especially non-fiction, and the past few hours have allowed me to enjoy the insights of others. It's cheesy, yes, but I love to learn. If I had endless supplies of money and time, I think I'd be a perpetual student. So today, I'm learning.
I've been reading a book called The Only Necessary Thing, a collection of writings on prayer by Henri Nouwen. It's not a book you need to read straight through, so I've been sifting through it little by little this past year. I've had a strong desire to learn more about prayer, and this book has been an excellent resource. If you've ever read anything by Nouwen, you know how honest and genuine his words are. He has this way of aligning my thoughts with words, and I am encouraged and challenged by the truth he delivers. Today, I read something especially interesting.
Why should I spend an hour in prayer when I do nothing during that time but think about people I am angry with, people who are angry with me, books I should read and books I should write, and thousands of other silly things that happen to grab my mind for a moment? The answer is: because God is greater than my mind and my heart, and what is really happening in the house of prayer is not measurable in terms of human success and failure.
What I must do first of all is be faithful. If I believe that the first commandment is to love God with my whole heart, mind, and soul, than I should at least be able to spend one hour a day with nobody else but God. The question as to whether it is helpful, useful, practical, or fruitful is completely irrelevant, since the only reason to love is love itself. Everything else is secondary.
The remarkable thing, however, is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning - day after day, week after week, month after month - in total confusion and with myriad distractions radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that he sent his only Son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me waiting in the dark too long. I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty or sixty or ninety such useless hours, I gradually realize that I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gently voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place.
So: be confident and trust in the Lord.
-The Road to Daybreak, Henri Nouwen
I am someone who often gets discouraged by prayer. I want that quiet, sweet communion with God, but my mind seems set on wandering. I'm learning that God wants faithfulness, obedience, more than anything I try to force. God is greater than my mind and heart-what encouraging, truthful words. I want to be a part of what God's doing on this earth, but I also want to remember how little I have to do with his bigger picture.
This past week has been extremely tough at work. Students have come in with heavy, dark issues, attitudes have been more negative than usual and the general atmosphere of the classroom has been heavy. Most days, I've come home discouraged and overwhelmed. I see that God is in control, but I often doubt what hope there is for some of these students. And then, I'm humbled and quieted by a God is more than capable of giving hope. I am useless apart from the power of the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. So as I start another week and I'm tempted to be discouraged, I'm trying to cling to Jesus' words in John 15.
"Make your home in me, as I make mine in you. Whoever remains in me, with me in them, bears fruit in plenty....I have told you this so that my own joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete. " (John 15:4, 5, 11)
Honestly, my attitude is not there right now. I want to remain in him so that I may be fruitful and complete. I want to be at home in him because, well...because he's the one I want to love most. I want to show him I trust him and love him with the way I abide in him. I'm learning. I'm impatient, but I'm learning.