You know the Bill Murray film What About Bob? Remember how this over-anxious, agoraphobic guy attempts to improve his life by visiting a therapist? Remember "baby steps"?
I feel, as funny as the movie is, seriously similar to Bob. Daily, it feels like I'm taking tiny, baby steps towards change. I see the need for transformation, true change, in my life, yet the process seems tedious and slow. "Baby steps to humility, baby steps to joy, baby steps to trust..." Sometimes, I feel like a nutcase. Why can't I learn? Why don't I just suck it up and change?
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." -Romans 7:15
Truly, I don't understand myself. At 23 years old, I'd hoped I'd have this whole self-awareness thing figured out. I do desire God's best. I want to please him and trust him. I want to think differently than I've been recently. So...why? Why do I feel like I can't get past baby steps?
God's been very good to show me, often, how little I can control. My natural tendency is to work hard, do my best and find achievement on the other end. I've learned that my own strength only takes me so far, though. As I've shared these struggles with others, it seems we all come to the same conclusion. There is no good we can do apart from God. We can try and we might succeed sometimes, but the flesh still has its way.
I don't know about you, but working in my flesh feels good. I don't want that kind of good. I want this Spirit-saturated life Romans talks about.
"You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you." -Romans 8:9-11
Today, I'm honestly feeling very flesh-driven. I'm anxious and discouraged, yet I haven't really sought God's Truth. God gives us life and life to the fullest. Life in the Spirit is the only way to true transformation, though. I'm realizing I'm often disappointed in my lack of joy or trust because I'm still trying to will myself into change. Rather, I should, and want to, be seeking God's Word and presence.
I'm learning. I fail a lot, but God also has encouraged me greatly in this process. Writing about it, for one thing, is a step towards trust. For a while, I've wanted to just turn off the failure and discouragement. I've tried to ignore this negative cycle I find myself in, yet I can't. So here I am, writing in hopeful, cathartic trust that God is working for the good of one who loves him.